I Didn’t Know What I was Missing… Motherhood for me.

My apartment was always clean…. Like ALWAYS. I used to enjoy pulling everything from where it was, cleaning everything, and then putting it back. Sometimes I would change my entire organization methods. THAT was my spare time fun. If I wanted a craft beer, I’d call a friend and I’d go get a craft beer… or some food that no one should eat. Maybe tater tots or fries, a tempeh rueben… fried awesomeness. I’d tie one on sometimes and sleep in the next day until nine instead of getting up at 5:30 or 6am, and I’d again indulge in something else fried. Rinse and repeat.

I was going to the gym about daily, until I got pregnant. I used the massage beds and occasionally the tanning beds on the lowest setting for the shortest duration, because I enjoyed the warmth after my workout. I worked three jobs until the summer of 2014, and then I started my own business, so I quit two of those jobs and picked up my own. I was productive-ish and I had complete control over what activity I did on a given day. Then I met Alex…. and I continued to “do my thing” fast forward a couple of months and I was pregnant. I almost lost consciousness when I found out. I decided keeping the baby was the right decision for me, and I’m so glad I did, I couldn’t imagine life without my Cole bubs.

Everything changed that moment…well, the next day after I found out. He was the size of a sesame seed when I found out I was pregnant. He was too small to really hurt with nicotine. I needed a last hurrah. I bought two packs of cigarettes, smoked them within ten hours, and haven’t been a smoker since. You can judge me all you’d like. He’s healthy and has healthy lungs and I didn’t smoke after he was over seed size, so whatevs.

I quit smoking, I quit drinking, I stopped taking several of my supplements, I stopped using several of the essential oils used in many of my products. I made the decision to keep him, so I needed to make good decisions on his behalf. Things have not been even a blurry reflexion of how they were. I get almost no say into how my day goes. All of my time goes into a regimented schedule where my priorities are those of my children and of Alex. I work a crazy work week just as I always had. Alex told me I “get more sleep than (him)” and I told him he’s fucking insane, so I still treat my coworkers like crap….business as usual there.

Things have mostly changed though. I’m a Mom. I get overworked, I’m exhausted and disheveled, but when my three-year-old says “bye” 900 times in the morning, my heart melts. I’m someone’s Mom. I’m his Mom. When Silas, our one-year-old calls me “Dada” because he thinks its hilarious, it melts my heart… because I’m his Mom too. I have the best stressful life anyone could ever ask for. Other than the shit pay, I wouldn’t change a thing though.